Twilight of my masculinity.

This movie REALLY sucks.

So I am not going to waste my time with an in depth review of Twilight. It has been reviewed to death and to be honest, it is probably the worst movie I have seen in my entire life. It was so overly emotional and campy it wasn’t even funny. As I watched I felt my manhood fading by the second. For the two people in America who don’t know what Twilight is, it is the hottest rage of teen vampire angst sweeping the nation. The mysterious Edward Cullen (vampire) falls for Bella, the quiet, shy new girl from out of town. This movie is absurd.

From the very beginning the characters have these deep lines that make them sound as if they have been together forever instead of having just met. Of course, I know this is a chick flick, but it was a really, really bad one. Edward Cullen is the perfect relationship for a girl, a hot, mysterious guy, in touch with his deep conflicting emotions and desires, but unable to do anything physically.  In short, I would define this movie as a form of emotional porn or maybe sentimental valium.

There are some really weird things in this movie as well. For instance, early on Edward is always following Bella around and staring at her from a distance. He later admits that he enjoys watching her sleep and has been doing so for some time and everyone is okay with this? How come when I do this, it isn’t romantic, instead it’s called stalking and I have the restraining orders to prove it.

In short, no guy should ever see this movie. In fact nobody with any cinema sense at all should see this movie. I mean I wanted to vomit half way through. In fact, I would rather scoop my own vomit back up and eat it then have to see this movie again.

I am grateful to it for one reason though. Thanks to Twilight we now have some new movie quotes to add to our list of worst movie lines ever.  Including:

“I don’t think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore!”

“So the Lion falls in love with the Lamb.”

At one point Bella’s says “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

What she should have said is, “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward is gay. Second, no he really is gay. And third, seriously, I mean it, Edward is totally, undeniably gay.” You get the idea.

I give Twilight a half babble, and that is only because we have nothing lower.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Twilight of my masculinity.

  1. After composing myself and wiping the tears from my cheeks from LAUGHING SO HARD at this review, I must say that being a somewhat “Twilight” fan myself: 1) The movie was REALLY bad just as a movie itself AND bad compared to the book. 2) Kristen Stewart doesn’t do any kind of justice to the Bella from the book. 3) IT TOTALLY IS EMOTIONAL PORN!! (that is priceless!)

    I do think, being a girl myself, that Stephanie Meyer hits on several desires of a girl’s heart. However, the chasm between reality and fiction is, once again, very deep and wide. It is my opinion that the Edward Cullen of the first book, “Twilight” embodies a woman’s desire to be loved unquestionably, to be known inside and out, to be completely safe, and to be wanted as you are. But I swear, the things Stephanie Meyer hits on in this Edward are more divine attributes than mortal. Maybe that’s why he’s immortal. In the other books, he seems more human and oafish. More of a “guy”.

    Well done, my friend! Love, love, love your review!!!!!!!

    Would this be the wrong time to point out that, given the direct order to choose, I am, undoubtedly, Team Edward…? Ha!

  2. This review is hilarious! I just found this page today, so I am behind, but you are right the movie sucked.

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